The Truth Behind the Gitmo Hunger Strike
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I was checking my e-mail last week and received a flagged message from someone at the White House:
Seems there are a bunch of dirty terrorist scumbags at Gitmo who are feeling neglected by the liberal media, so they went on a hunger strike to draw attention to their "plight". Apparently the want the "due process" they're entitled to under the Constitution.Boy, it sounded like an order from Harvey but it seemed pretty important so I left immediately to Washington.
Or would be entitled to, if they were, you know, US citizens.
Or hadn't taken up arms against the US.
But since they know they're not entitled to squat, I suspect that the MSM has screwed up the story and that the terrorists are on a hunger strike for one or more reasons that aren't being reported.
What's the REAL reason the terrorists at Guantanamo are engaging in a hunger strike?
As I approached the gates of the White House, a dark figure mysteriously appeared by my side.
“Yes. It is I. The President sent for you since there was no one else we could trust.”
“What about Condi?”
“Well that might have worked too, but since you are here I need you to deliver a message to the media. They have the story wrong. You see, the prisoners aren’t on a hunger strike at all.”
“No. Stop interrupting. The fault of this lies with Howard Dean. We gave him the responsibility of feeding the prisoners in order to make him feel important. The Dems loved it. One of their own to watch over our operation. Little did we know that he was going to sabotage the whole thing.”
“What did he do?”
“I was going to tell you before you opened your big mouth. He replaced the salad dressing with this:”
“Bacon? Oh man, that is cruel.”
“Yeah, he wants these people to starve. Tell the media the Bush administration won’t stand for this and we have ordered 20 cases of creamy ranch to give to the prisoners.”
“I don’t think they will print it.”
“Do as your told! I’ll make sure it gets printed. Now go!”
And with that he was gone. Last I heard, the DNC was sending a representative down to cover up the story and to ensure the prisoners had plenty of croutons and soy-based bacon bits.